Borneo Expedition 2005

Day 32. "Homeward Bound". We were up and unspritely at 4:30am... bags all packed, ready to go. A predictable no-show from drunk Adi meant that new taxis had to be found! However, this wasn't much of a problem around these parts, not even at this hour!
We got to Kuching airport not long after we set off. Nearly all falling asleep, we boarded a plane to Kuala Lumpur, mainland Malaysia. Kuala Lumpur airport was shrowded in smoke from Sumatran forest fires, and had been closed the day before, so we'd been lucky that we'd been able to make it here! Slightly more awake now, we had a few hours to waste at the swanky aiport, giving us all the chance to do some last minute duty free! Much needed! Oh, why had I spent all my money on booze?!
It was then the time. Time to leave Malaysia for good, boarding a big old plane... back to London... Can this really be it? The end of the expedition that I'd looked forward to for so many months, enjoyed so much?! It can't end yet, can it?!

I settled into Gwen... it's all over... and so to bed...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SoMe ViTaL bOrNeO vOcAb:

don't toss - sign upon a box in a supermarket!

damp - a simple word that summed up our jungle experience!

dank - another fine word to sum up the jungle experiences!

moist - the final word in the trilogy to describe the jungle experiences!

max lube - a sticker on the front of a van!

sheer chaos - words that summed everything up ...when it wasn't going too good!

woop! - a word that summed things up when it was going good!

Mirinda - Zoe's drink of choice, in Red can or Orange can!

-tastic - when the situation required a suffix!

Kickapoo - my tasty drink of choice, despite only having it once!

circlise - the instruction word to form a circle!

radishified - a description of anyone after spending more than 3 minutes out in the sun!

uber- when something or everything got to much!

ex-ter-min-ate! - someone sounds like a Dalek!

stick no bill - a regularly seen sign around Kota Kinabalu, meant to ward off flyposters, but sounding kore like a Techno music group!

waja - (i have no idea!)

happy bug - Su!

Leechy McLeech - THAT song!

Aha! Shake, Taper Jean Girl! - The other song, sung in random bursts!

reeeally - Emma's description of most things came with this word before it, in high pitch tones!

Madame Food - Soos, 'nough said!

sympathy chicken - what we were presented with, after we flopped so bad at the Bario get-together evening!

brassiere - these popped up all over the place!

fugly - simple, effective!

"die!" - Calvey's word of choice, said sharply and in a certain odd accent, when he disliked someone or something!

Sara loves... - followed by just about anything imaginable!

tantalon - Malay for bollox!

tandas - Malay for toilet!

flying spiders - everyone's worst fear!

throbbing twickenham - no-one, I repeat NO-ONE, knew exactly what one was, but we could all be sure that whatever it may be, it's VERY dirty!

May Beauty Soap - little hotel and hostel soaps that kept being hidden in the least likely places!

and of course...

MMM... LEGGINGS!

Day 31. The last proper day! And it was a day of extreme heat, right from the offset of morning. Today was mostly spent shopping in Kuching for last-minute gifts for the family! And myself! It was also a day dedicated to eating (e.g. gorging 'til we were dead upon cheesecake!)
By the end of the day I'd bought a new t-shirt, a big perang machete knife, odd cans of drink (bird nest included!), monkey keyrings and various strange foodstuffs... to name just a few purchases! As a group, we bought Adam some wine and Su a cutelry set thing as thankyou gifts... just what we thought they'd want!
Back to th'ostel in the afternoon, for packing all our Borneo lives away into our rucksacks. The end is nigh! We'd decided to spend our last evening together having a nice meal at a local restaurant. It seemed the dress code for us was sarongs all round - but not me, non, nicht moi! It was a nice meal, although everyone felt subdued that our Borneo expedition was almost over...
Adam left the table early to head back to the hostel as he wasn't feeling too good. A while later, we all left and had many photos taken in the street as a group. Calvey decided we needed to book a taxi to the airport for the very early morning departure to the airport. He rang Adi, a taxi guy we'd had before, using a public telephone. Adi was very drunk! But he did promise to pick us up...
Back at the hostel, a group of us went up to the roof for an hour or so. Mucho malarky was had, and the pictures should give you some ideas!
It was bed at 2am ...ready, or not, for a 4:30am wake-up!

Please sir, can I stay another month?!

Day 30. Morning, and we bussed to another resort for a new beach experience! And a lovely massage! Yum yum! I can tell that I'm gonna love today!
After laying on the beach for a while, not really doing much but burning our skins to the limit, it was mine, Calv's and Kyle's turn for the relaxing aromatherapy massage that we'd promised ourselves! All excited, we caught a free bus up the hill and were dropped off at the doorstep of the massage centre. After some technicalities, we were ushered into our massage room... Me and Calv got the same room, with Kyle going next door!
Two female massagists ran us a warm jacuzzi, and me and Calv promptly stripped in a sexay fashion and got in together! This is all sounding far too romantic! Mmm... bubbles, nudity and Abraham Lincolns all round! And with such an amazing view over the bay, we didn't want to get out!
Oh, but the massage! After 20 or so minutes in the jacuzzi, drinking stony honey tea, we got out and donned our very masculin sarongs! After we were "decent", two women came in and we were told to lay down on the massage beds, face first. The women began pounding our bodies, starting with the toes, then working up, dousing us in various oils and using their hands so hard that our eyes popped out ...like when you squeeze a hamster! Calvey had something else pop out! Ha! After all, it was practically a full body massage... every sunburnt bit was rubbed, every weary limb was pounded... not much escaped the painful pleasure! It tickled alot of time, leading me to periodically burst out laughing... although this laughter could have been blamed equally on the oddness of the situation, or how they lifted up our sarongs to reveal our arses!
I felt positively weak coming out of the massagers, 140RM poorer (although that's only about £15... for MORE THAN AN HOUR!) And for that money, they'd rubbed the life out of me!
We got the free bus back to main area of the resort, and met back up with everyone else... some of whom had already had massages, others not yet!
Adam and Su went back to Kuching in the afternoon, leaving us to run havoc in the resort! We swam for ages, before watching the sunset on the resort's promenade. It seemed like the perfect end to a perfect day!
Our last half hour in the resort was spent having a meal (rice/noodles no doubt!). We'd booked a taxibus in the afternoon and given ourselves such little time to eat that we had to run out of the restaurant, still clutching pieces of fruit from desert! We HAD paid, just!
The bus ride back to Kuching from the resort was to the tune of Kasabian, and it worked perfectly for the dangerous speeds we were going!
Then it all turned rather pear-shaped! Driving back into our hostel carpark, we saw Adam sitting in a chair, outside... we could tell from his pose that he was pissed off to say the least! Guided by Adam, we silently checked in, before he led us back outside again. What followed was a darn good telling off from Adam for not informing him or Su when we'd be back. What they'd understood was that we'd be back at around 5:00. It was now 9:00, and they were on the verge of calling the police when we turned up! Eak! We had worried the leader's sick, and all felt quite guilty... mostly! Apart from none of us thought we'd said anything about being back at 5... but nevermind!
Because of our naughtiness, we were told that we weren't allowed out tonight as previously planned. Sob sob...
All in one hostel room, discussing the incident, we decided to make our own fun! Milkshake party! We ordered room service and a dozen milkshakes, whilst watching some monkey/pig Chinese programme that Kyle could roughly translate!
Then Adam came in to our room ...what now?! His words were along the lines of, "The night's back on." Everyone seemed unsure of what to do, but soon we all became overjoyed and began dolling ourselves up!
The plan was to do a "Lad's" and a "Ladie's" evening then all meet up later! With the Lad's group only consisting of me, Calv, Kyle and Adam, it seemed a bit of a small group, but we hit the town in style! Bar to bar, drinking competitions, being eyed by odd locals, then promptly leaving when it was clear that we weren't welcome! None of us really cared how much money we'd blown on beer so far this holiday, as those kind of cares went out the window in a haze of laddishness! At the final lad's bar, Adam kindly indulged us a bit, let's just say with, mmm, how to put it... "Ladies!" With not-the-prettiest and possibly far too young girls by our sides on a couch, Calv, Kyle and I just sat there, embarrassed, thinking what to do or say. We tried to talk to these girls but after a while, it became apparent that they didn't understand us at all! Nor did they look interested in us! It was so awkard... and that was before the lad's karaoke (500 miles Christian version!) and dancing with the girls! Mine ran off!
Escaping that sleazy bar, us lads met the girls at an equally sleazy pub, meeting possibly the drunkest Irishman ever! He was aged 50-60, white straggly hair, dishevelled, unshaved look, speech heavily slurred! He'd apparently been at the same bar all week, although you can never trust what a drunken Irishman says!
It was either at that bar, or another close-by, that the real evening started! Alot of us were quite drunk by now, and dancing for about half an hour on the bar was not the best idea! It was so goddam fun! Locals cheering and jeering, us falling off periodically, trying to exchange soft drinks for alcoholic ones! And no-one cared that the drinking age in Malaysia is 21! Right until the bar closed, we continued dancing, hanging onto the ceiling or random railings, dodging the big spherical light shades!
It was piggy-backs all the way back to the hostel!

The evening then took another unsuspected turn with our boys room being turned into a massage parlour for all and everyone! No complaints...

Day 29. I'm surprised the wobbly fan spinning over my head didn't kill me in the night! It was toast for breakfast in the crowded hostel kitchen in Kuching. There were other tourists here, taking all the bread and coffee for themselves, leaving us with mere morcels!
This morning, Samira went with Adam and Lyndz to the local doctors, to see if they could find out what "the rash" was. Samira had had it all holiday, all over her legs - it was only now that she'd decided it was time for a trip to the doctors! It can't be TOO life threatening!
Time for luxury! Leaving most of our kit that we wouldn't need in the hostel, the rest of us walked across town to the bus station. Using our hard saved money that we hadn't completely blown on booze (and there was a fair bit of it!) we had decided to go to a luxury resort called Santabong. At the bus station, we were forced to get speedy taxi-busses after we found no coaches were heading Santubong way... despite our bargaining and trying for ages! And the fact that the timetable had said "yes, busses go to Santubong." Not literally.
Speeding along surprisingly decent roads to the tune of the Kaiser Chiefs (Soos had bought a dodgy copy somewhere!), it was quite a fun journey! The Santabong "luxury" resort was mostly deserted, and we were apparently too early to check in... although I'm sure they could've squeezed us in their tight schedule! Thus, we went to the private resort beach! "Jellyfish beach" (so said the warning signs!) The beach was almost perfect sand, with a shallow, warm, tropical sea. MMM, sheer heaven! A quick dip was had by all... until we realised we were SURROUNDED by jellfyfish! Hundreds of the bastards! Straight back out of the water we came! It was a good decision, as making fallic sand-creations was such a hoot!
Now, no matter what anyone says, sunbathing on the equator at midday is NOT, repeat NOT a good idea! I think I'm melting...
After dusting down the sand from our sweaty, suncream-coated bodies, we checked in after lunchtime! Our rooms were all in this one block, opposite and next to each other. Fun, fun, fun! Me, Calv and Kyle had one room together. Only problem was the fact that the room only had one double bed! Ah well...
Samira, Adam and Lyndz rejoined us at the Santubong resort, still not knowing what "the rash" was! A pretty pointless doctors trip!
After dumping and sorting our kit in our rooms, we all decided to spend the afternoon by and in the deserted swimming pool! Time for a spot of swimming and sunbathing, methinks! We also played some water ball, which meant my shoulders were exposed once again to the full glare of the sun! Oh so red raw...
It was a good afternoon, with yummy cocktails, sunset watching and feeling horribly sunburnt again! Equally, this was relaxing time; no deadlines, no rushing, no panicking - and it felt good!

Cosy, cosy sleep now !

Day 28. We woke-up, all comfortable and snug, with freshly washed clothes by the bedside, drying. We were in beds, real BEDS! with covers and matresses and all! This homestay was the business! Sweet bejesus, it's nice here!
In the morning, we didn't really do much, and after some time passed with a noodle-tastic breakfast, we had a few meetings!
Whilst throwing about a large dead spider, we talked about all our expereinces and the fun we'd had... although I was more focused on the occasional kamikaze motorcyclist outside the window.
We also decided what everyone's nick-names for the trip would be... So here they are...

- Soos: Madame Food
- Emma: Squeaky Tortoise
- Calvey: "No, you're wrong!" (taxi incident!)
- Kyle: Hoarding Godfather
- Hannah: Milk Lady
- Samira: Essex
- Zoe: Verbal Diarrhoea
- Sarah: ... loves
- Lucy: "Guys, Wait!"
- Lyndz: Japanese Tourist
- Annie: Rooney, My Love!
- Me: Wet Washing!

The sheer cheek...
We were also given small, mysterious, wrapped parcels and the challenge of "who will crack first"! The aim was to NOT open yours first, and if you did, you'd lose... although I'm not sure what you'd lose! Everyone just wants to open them to see what's inside! We later decided to open them all at the airport...
Calvey had his projectile shit and poo moment in the toilet... shit EVERYWHERE! God bless Jardia, deeply nestled in Mr Caley's stomach! That'll teach him for scimping on iodine!
Begrudgingly leaving the homestay and Bario, we walked to the airport as it started to rain, one half of us first, followed an hour or so later by the other half of the group. I was in the first group - down a dirt track, heavy bags on back we went, wishing we could stay just one day longer in this amazing, isolated village. At the airport, Rooney (Annie's local love!) had turned up to say goodbye to her. Aw, what a legend! And what a Rooney lookalike! In the end, it turned out they didn't see each other! Annie was in the second group to fly off, not mine... and I think they must've just missed each other!
The Twin Otter 19-seater plane journey back was just as thrilling as it was on the way to Bario. Damn, they were good pilots.
Once back at Miri airport, we got more delicious ice-creams! Much the the woman stallholders delight! She actually remembered us! But who wouldn't after we abused her free chocolate sauces system so much?!
We were all now back in bustling Miri, and went to check our emails, do some shopping and generally have a look around! Even if the look around mainly consisted of going to the "mall"!
But not for long! We were soon back at the airport, flying from Miri to Kuching, our last stop of the holiday! The plane was muchly larger than the Twin Otter, with the journey taking around 1h30 if I remember right! We all sat together, and started passing our journals around for each other to write in... The end is coming! Noooo!
Kuching is one of Borneo's larger cities, meaning "cat" in the local dialect! Didn't see too many of them around though!
Our hostel had lots of steps, and was near a prison. At night, feisty and lively, we all went to a really cool fish bar, with a gazillion options of fish and sea creatures to try. I chose half a stingray to eat, which was damn tasty, if not a little spicy with all the sauce crap! The man tried to flog me a whole stingray but goddam, it would've killed my stomach!
Night - time to hit "the town"! So to speak.
Past nice hotels, brothels, into pubs and bars, hearing Pixies on some radio, dodging cars. It was an incredible night. One of the last we'd all spend together.
Although none of us saw it, Kyle was sick all over the floor of one bar. By that stage, the rest of us had gone back to the hostel and sat on the roof, looking over the mean Kuching streets, talking into the night. Adam & Su (leaders) were talking to Kyle for ages back at the bar, and we had to wait up for them because we didn't think they had a key!
The night whiled away, way beyond witching hour...

I don't ever want to go home...